Hope

I haven't written in a while, so you may be wondering what's going on with me! Well, in a nutshell, I feel depressed. I know that I'm graduating...finally, after 5 long but WONDERFUL years here in Gainesville...but I can't help but feel extreme sadness that tends to block the bit of excitement I even have for graduation. I came to Gainesville a child, only 17 years old, and I am now leaving a woman, a 22-year-old woman. Wow. That's hard for me to even type. I can't believe I've been here for 5 years. That's a pretty huge chunk of my life and I cannot help but think of all the people I will be leaving here. It pains my heart. My beautiful friends, my amazing church, my awesome job as an RA and crazy awesome staff members!

Amidst all this sadness, I've been feeling really far from God. Ask me how much time I've spent with Him these past 5 or 6 weeks.

Not much at all.

This is a direct result of my spiritual emptiness. For these past few weeks, I've basically just floated through life. I have been going through the motions, making appointments with this friend and that friend, all the while thinking in the back of my mind that the end is near. When will I ever get to spend time with "so-and-so" like this ever again. Sure, I may be able to spend time with them at some point, but when will it ever be as simple as "Hey, wanna grab lunch?" in a text message?

Here's the good news: Thankfully, God has placed me in a great small group, complete with older (they prefer to be called "mature", hehe) ladies in the Lord. So, it's my small group of 20-something-year-old ladies and about 6 ladies past their 40s. They are so wise and so grounded in the Lord. This is exactly how I want to be!

I picture myself a 50-something-year-old (still-hot!) lady, a few grandkids, a perfect husband who loves the Lord and treats me like the best thing since sliced-bread. I know he won't always be a perfect husband, but I'm expecting pretty darn close. I mean, if he's that in love with God, wouldn't you think he'd be pretty freakin' amazing!?!?

Anyway, back to my vision...I picture myself a 50-something-year-old lady who wakes up early early in the morning (like before the sun! Crazy, I know.) to praise my Wonderful Lord and Savior in prayer and with song as I stroll down the beach. (I hope to live on the beach someday.) When I get back from my beautiful walk, I am refreshed and ready to have a nice cup of coffee (with soy creamer and maple sugar because I'm trying this whole all-natural, no-artificial sugars, and sort of vegan thing) as I sit in our peaceful breakfast nook and spend even more time with the Lord in His Word. As I read, the Holy Spirit will lovingly convict me of my recent walkings in my selfish ways and also the ways that I have not honored my husband by looking only to my own needs and consequently, not counting his needs above my own (which is what the Bible calls us to do, by the way: to consider others better than ourselves. Man! Is that hard!)

At this point, I will repent, then read a chapter in Psalms to remind me of His everlasting love and faithfulness. Then, my gorgeous husband will come greet me in the nook (because the whole time I was seeking the Lord, he was too, of course!) with a gentle kiss. We will say good morning and he will say something utterly adorable like how he loves me even more each day and how the years only get better being married to me, to which I would respond with extreme desire for this wonderful man God gave me and then we'd...you know. Haha! Hey, I heard it gets better and better as time goes by, especially in the later years of marriage!

Wow. I got really side-tracked. What I meant to say in all this is that in my 50s, I would have the whole "seeking the Lord" thing down. But, what was brought to my attention this past Tuesday night (in my amazing small group of young and "mature" ladies) was that I will never get to that point if I do not first start small. The awesome woman who is discipling me (aka pouring her wisdom out onto me) is named Martha. What a woman! She told me this past Tuesday, after I confided in her about my spiritual lull and resulting emptiness, that in learning to seek the Lord, I need to start small. Seems simple, right? But here's the deal: I tend to be an "all or nothing" type of gal. Yes, I know. It's one of my faults. It's either eat super healthy all the time or super crappy all the time. It's either spend an hour with God or no time with God at all. And this has been the story of my life. Until...Martha's wisdom! She said to me, in starting off spending time with God, you've got to be legalistic. Of course, I'd never heard this before. The word "legalistic," at least in Christian circles, always gets a bad wrap, and rightly so sometimes. It essentially means being so strict in the rules of Christianity that you miss out on the meaning and purpose of things. For example, like reading your Bible each day just to check it off of a to-do list and to feel better about yourself. A reason for you to think "I'm a good person because I did my Godly duty today of reading for 5 minutes." But, here is how Martha shed more light on the situation: Unless you're first legalistic, how will you get into the habit and grow in your time with the Lord? To this, I had no answer. It made sense, but everything inside me including my "all or nothing" mentality wanted to fight it.

So, here's what I did. I started small. Today was Day 1 of my Legalistic Bible Reading Plan in order to develop perseverance and consistency in the long run and hopefully, more meaningful and deep time with God. That's the goal.

My alarm went off at 6 a.m. and by 6:08, the lamp was on (man, was it bright!) and I was sitting up in my bed, reading the Holy Word of God. No, it wasn't super deep and life changing or emotional, but it was a start. And, you know what!? My day went SO WELL today! I honestly don't remember everything I read, but I do remember feeling a closer connection to God throughout the day. I praised Him as I walked to class. I thanked Him for the beauty of the trees He made. I believe this was His way of recognizing my initial step in the right direction this morning: a step toward long devotion in the same direction. I believe that God does not expect us to immediately become as "spiritual" as Kirk Franklin or Billy Graham, but I believe that He responds when we show that we want to want Him, even if that means taking the time to read His Word in the morning for just 15 minutes. What I think I'm learning is that our God is beyond time; He is even beyond words. We cannot begin to figure Him out, but what we can do is show Him we love Him by spending time with Him (whether it's 5 minutes or an hour). I believe He responds to our efforts to show Him our love and in turn, we are better able to feel the love He has had waiting for us all along.

All we need to do is access it.