Hope

I haven't written in a while, so you may be wondering what's going on with me! Well, in a nutshell, I feel depressed. I know that I'm graduating...finally, after 5 long but WONDERFUL years here in Gainesville...but I can't help but feel extreme sadness that tends to block the bit of excitement I even have for graduation. I came to Gainesville a child, only 17 years old, and I am now leaving a woman, a 22-year-old woman. Wow. That's hard for me to even type. I can't believe I've been here for 5 years. That's a pretty huge chunk of my life and I cannot help but think of all the people I will be leaving here. It pains my heart. My beautiful friends, my amazing church, my awesome job as an RA and crazy awesome staff members!

Amidst all this sadness, I've been feeling really far from God. Ask me how much time I've spent with Him these past 5 or 6 weeks.

Not much at all.

This is a direct result of my spiritual emptiness. For these past few weeks, I've basically just floated through life. I have been going through the motions, making appointments with this friend and that friend, all the while thinking in the back of my mind that the end is near. When will I ever get to spend time with "so-and-so" like this ever again. Sure, I may be able to spend time with them at some point, but when will it ever be as simple as "Hey, wanna grab lunch?" in a text message?

Here's the good news: Thankfully, God has placed me in a great small group, complete with older (they prefer to be called "mature", hehe) ladies in the Lord. So, it's my small group of 20-something-year-old ladies and about 6 ladies past their 40s. They are so wise and so grounded in the Lord. This is exactly how I want to be!

I picture myself a 50-something-year-old (still-hot!) lady, a few grandkids, a perfect husband who loves the Lord and treats me like the best thing since sliced-bread. I know he won't always be a perfect husband, but I'm expecting pretty darn close. I mean, if he's that in love with God, wouldn't you think he'd be pretty freakin' amazing!?!?

Anyway, back to my vision...I picture myself a 50-something-year-old lady who wakes up early early in the morning (like before the sun! Crazy, I know.) to praise my Wonderful Lord and Savior in prayer and with song as I stroll down the beach. (I hope to live on the beach someday.) When I get back from my beautiful walk, I am refreshed and ready to have a nice cup of coffee (with soy creamer and maple sugar because I'm trying this whole all-natural, no-artificial sugars, and sort of vegan thing) as I sit in our peaceful breakfast nook and spend even more time with the Lord in His Word. As I read, the Holy Spirit will lovingly convict me of my recent walkings in my selfish ways and also the ways that I have not honored my husband by looking only to my own needs and consequently, not counting his needs above my own (which is what the Bible calls us to do, by the way: to consider others better than ourselves. Man! Is that hard!)

At this point, I will repent, then read a chapter in Psalms to remind me of His everlasting love and faithfulness. Then, my gorgeous husband will come greet me in the nook (because the whole time I was seeking the Lord, he was too, of course!) with a gentle kiss. We will say good morning and he will say something utterly adorable like how he loves me even more each day and how the years only get better being married to me, to which I would respond with extreme desire for this wonderful man God gave me and then we'd...you know. Haha! Hey, I heard it gets better and better as time goes by, especially in the later years of marriage!

Wow. I got really side-tracked. What I meant to say in all this is that in my 50s, I would have the whole "seeking the Lord" thing down. But, what was brought to my attention this past Tuesday night (in my amazing small group of young and "mature" ladies) was that I will never get to that point if I do not first start small. The awesome woman who is discipling me (aka pouring her wisdom out onto me) is named Martha. What a woman! She told me this past Tuesday, after I confided in her about my spiritual lull and resulting emptiness, that in learning to seek the Lord, I need to start small. Seems simple, right? But here's the deal: I tend to be an "all or nothing" type of gal. Yes, I know. It's one of my faults. It's either eat super healthy all the time or super crappy all the time. It's either spend an hour with God or no time with God at all. And this has been the story of my life. Until...Martha's wisdom! She said to me, in starting off spending time with God, you've got to be legalistic. Of course, I'd never heard this before. The word "legalistic," at least in Christian circles, always gets a bad wrap, and rightly so sometimes. It essentially means being so strict in the rules of Christianity that you miss out on the meaning and purpose of things. For example, like reading your Bible each day just to check it off of a to-do list and to feel better about yourself. A reason for you to think "I'm a good person because I did my Godly duty today of reading for 5 minutes." But, here is how Martha shed more light on the situation: Unless you're first legalistic, how will you get into the habit and grow in your time with the Lord? To this, I had no answer. It made sense, but everything inside me including my "all or nothing" mentality wanted to fight it.

So, here's what I did. I started small. Today was Day 1 of my Legalistic Bible Reading Plan in order to develop perseverance and consistency in the long run and hopefully, more meaningful and deep time with God. That's the goal.

My alarm went off at 6 a.m. and by 6:08, the lamp was on (man, was it bright!) and I was sitting up in my bed, reading the Holy Word of God. No, it wasn't super deep and life changing or emotional, but it was a start. And, you know what!? My day went SO WELL today! I honestly don't remember everything I read, but I do remember feeling a closer connection to God throughout the day. I praised Him as I walked to class. I thanked Him for the beauty of the trees He made. I believe this was His way of recognizing my initial step in the right direction this morning: a step toward long devotion in the same direction. I believe that God does not expect us to immediately become as "spiritual" as Kirk Franklin or Billy Graham, but I believe that He responds when we show that we want to want Him, even if that means taking the time to read His Word in the morning for just 15 minutes. What I think I'm learning is that our God is beyond time; He is even beyond words. We cannot begin to figure Him out, but what we can do is show Him we love Him by spending time with Him (whether it's 5 minutes or an hour). I believe He responds to our efforts to show Him our love and in turn, we are better able to feel the love He has had waiting for us all along.

All we need to do is access it.

A life that matters.

Hello friends! I would like to share with you a recent epiphany I have had. As you know, I am taking this leadership class at my church and each week, we view a sermon, then break off into groups and debrief. Well, the first sermon we watched was two weeks ago, and it was called "Living a Life that Matters: Living Eternally." Pretty heavy title, right?! Well, the sermon was even heavier and it has changed my life forever! There, in the dim auditorium at First Assembly I watched and listened to the words of Francis Chan on the screen while God was completely speaking to my heart...and transforming my mind. Here's the image that struck straight through heart, making me question what I was even living for. I call myself living for Christ, but check this out:

He was on stage holding a long rope that extended the length of the stage and even beyond. He asked us to imagine that the rope went on forever and never stopped. Then, he held up the end piece of the rope; it was about a 3-inch long section painted red. In light of eternity, this little red piece of rope is your life here on earth.

WHOA! I never thought about it that way! (I would encourage you to just watch the sermon when you get a chance; I pray it'll change your life too.)

So, here are the thoughts that proceeded during and after that fateful night...Man, God, I have been living a life that is solely focused on the here and now. I constantly worry about graduate school, my future, when I'll get married, my purpose in life. I never stop to think about eternity, about when I cross that finish line and get to see Your face. I have never really stopped to answer the question "What have I done this week that will matter in eternity?". (That's one of the questions Francis Chan posed at the end of his sermon.) And, then he asked "What have I done this week that will NOT matter in eternity?". And, man, does that list go on and on for me. Well, I slept a lot, did some homework, ate, spent countless hours of facebook, watched lots of TV, complained a lot, maybe read my Bible for a few minutes, prayed for maybe 30 minutes total all week.

And, then, I realized, this completely sucks! I have been living a life that is wasting away my opportunities to live a life that matters! I have been taking this journey so lightly. When am I gonna get serious!? God, forgive me! Forgive me for not seeing the countless hours I have free as a college student to seek Your face, to delve into Your sweet and precious Word that is nothing but pure TRUTH. Forgive me for sitting around with my friends and complaining about every little thing that I can think of rather than praising Your Name for even being alive and well and healthy. Forgive me for choosing to sleep my days away when I could be crying out to You about those who do not know You, those who are living a life that is only for the here and now, for things that will burn when eternity hits. Forgive me for choosing to do my own thing instead of seeking what Your will is for my life. I do not want to spend my life trying to get comfortable here on earth. Philippians 3:20 says "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ...". I don't know about you but I cannot honestly say that I live my life here like my citizenship is in Heaven. And, I definitely cannot say that I eagerly wait for Jesus. I feel like my life has been a life of chillin' here on earth, living for mySELF, worrying about money, worrying about a job that will make me enough money so I'll be able to live a "nice life." How worthless! If it's not in His will, it's all in vain!

I would just like to leave you with this thing God has recently branded into my heart, friends...

A life that is not lived solely for Christ is just not a life at all.

What kind of life will you choose to live from here on out? A life that matters? Or a life that's all about you?

You won't relent until You have it all. My heart is Yours.

This morning I went to something at First Assembly (my church here in Gainesville) called Encounter which is basically a prayer-type setting where you come and meet with God from 6-8am on Tuesdays and Thursday mornings (geared toward college students). Driving there, I was super excited. Two other friends decided to come with and for some reason, despite it being super dark and super early and super cold, I was really really excited to go encounter God! The night before I had gone to my first BigGroup, which is like a gathering of all the college small groups for worship and a message. Man, that was A-MA-ZING! I was still really on fire from the that night. A song played called "You Won't Relent"(by Misty Edwards...check it out if you can!) and that really touched my heart. It goes "You won't relent until You have it all; my heart is Yours" and basically what I got from this is that God will not stop pursuing us until He's got ALL of us. He doesn't just want 98% percent of our hearts and lives. He wants all of it! That means your future, including your future plans, spouse, where you're going to live, etc. But that also means your "right now," what you will do TODAY, who you will meet, where you will go, how you will speak, how you will act. I feel that recently I am constantly reminded of the verses "Give thanks in all circumstances" and "Do everything without arguing and complaining." Let me just tell you right now...easier said than done! In fact, when I met up with my boss yesterday, I think I complained to her for about 20 straight minutes about all that was going wrong in my life. All the while, my mind is reeling "Give thanks in all circumstances." And then it hits me today, THAT is God pursuing me! Instead of complaining about how sleepy and "unproductive" I've been these past few days, maybe I should give thanks for even having a bed to sleep in and a warm room and the fact that I'm at a university getting my education basically for free because by His grace, I've gotten scholarships!

Anyway, back to my initial point, God wants everything...He won't relent until He has it all. Isn't that just so comforting to think that even when we give Him 50, 10, or even 99%, He is still vying to reach that 100% mark with YOU, with US?! You may think, "Man, Lord, what have I done to deserve this?" And the answer is...nothing. You have, in fact, done nothing to deserve His love and never will be able to. It is only through Christ, through the blood He spilled on the cross, that we are even deemed worthy. I don't know about you, but it is so comforting to know that that burden did not fall on me, that God is not asking me to get myself right and clean and sin-free before I come to Him. And despite all my junk, despite my often times "half-hearted" faith, despite my attitude, despite my gross and mean and conniving thoughts, He still is pursuing me. Amen!?

One last thing: while I was at Encounter, while music played in the dimly lit santuary, with my journal out, I started writing and just asking God...what does it even look like to follow You!? What does a prayer life look like? What does worship mean? I was stumped and to tell you the truth, I was kinda freaking out because no answers were coming to mind. Then, I thought back to all I've been taught via sermons or other Christians speaking that I've heard and this came to mind..."Look in the Word." We all know the song "The B-I-B-L-E. Yes, that's the book for me! I stand upon the Word of God. The B-I-B-L-E. Bible!" But what does this song really mean!? Obviously, in this life, we need something to stand on, right!? And if it's not the Bible, then what is it...perhaps, on a degree, a GPA, a hope of getting married, a hope of being a mother someday, a relationship, or anything else? So, still stumped, I decided to look into the Word, the thing I claim to stand upon, but often do not because I get distracted by any and everything else in this world. I flipped to Deuteronomy. Old school, I know, but George had spoken from it the night before. I scanned down to chapter 30 and the word "circumcise" caught my eye. For some reason, my eyes like to rest on weird words like that. Lol. Anyway, what it said both hit me hard, yet left me enlightened, if that makes any sense at all. It said, "The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live. " (That's verse 6 by the way if you ever want to check it out). Man, I had to let that marinate for a second. Then, I read it again. "You mean God will circumcise my heart!?" That's kind of weird to think about but to me, it meant that He'll trim the fat. That He will cut off the excess, the infatuation with being married or where I will be for grad school or even the details that I obsess about like my neverending "to-do" list. He will cut those things out of my heart...so that I will LOVE Him with ALL my HEART and with ALL my SOUL! WOW! Is that not great news!? In essence, He will give me the ability to love Him. Why do I sit and work myself into a frenzy of what I am supposed to be "doing"?! He said in His pure and holy and righteous Word that He will circumcise my heart, that He will set my heart in a place to where I can love Him with all my HEART AND SOUL! And what do I say to this? GREAT! 'Cuz I had no idea how I was going to do that!

So, with that said, let God circumcise your heart. Let Him cut out all the junk that's hindering you from loving Him fully. He won't relent until He has it all; our hearts are HIS!

Amen!?

Hello Blogging World

Wow! I cannot believe that I am now actually an official "blogger." Recently I have been asking God for visions and dreams and before I go to bed at night, ideas just float around in my head, obviously making falling asleep difficult but I don't mind because I believe it's when I hear from the Lord clearly, when all is still and quiet. Anyway, last night I believe the Lord told me to create and blog and here I am, the next day, blogging...weird.

Many ideas about the blog also popped into my head last night as I thought. I wondered if it should be private, like for my own viewing (do people do that?) or if I should make it for other women to read my thoughts on God, marriage, friendships, hardships, randomness, etc. On the one hand, if it were private, it could be like my own personal journal, which I've always wanted to do since I feel I definitely type faster than I write. I often find myself skipping words when journaling because my thoughts reel ahead of my hand. On the other hand, who would it really benefit besides me if only I could read it? So, I guess there's the deciding factor. It's open for all to see. I pray the Lord will lead people to read it who will benefit from it. If that's you, then, welcome to my blog. =)